Everything you learn that is wrong about yourself when a 14-year-old stays with you for the summer

Trust me. It's a lot.

Imagine you have a 14-year-old living with you for the summer.

You’re both having a marvelous time, pursuing your own activities during the day (you: work; her: arts, crafts, and reading) and putting together puzzles and watching TV together in the off hours.

There’s only one fly in the ointment.

One little thing that keeps the entire summer from being totally perfect.

YOU.

As it turns out, there are quite a few things wrong with you, only you didn’t know what they were until a 14-year-old oracle of wisdom arrived on your doorstep to set the record straight.

1. You’re embarrassing.

This is just a general principle. No need to cite specific examples.

To spend any amount of time with a teenager is to understand that your very existence is an embarrassment.

You don’t even have to burst into song in the frozen food aisle at the grocery store to prove it.

(But don’t let that stop you.)

2. You swallow wrong.

Even though the way you swallow is very normal, a 14-year-old can discern that the way you swallow is louder than any swallow that has ever been swallowed by another mortal being.

There is nothing you can do about this other than just keep eating and drinking to sustain life, all the while enduring savage and judgmental side-eye every time you do.

This is just the way of things.

Also, more evidence in support of Point #1.

3. The weird songs you make up aren’t funny.

If you are standing at the stovetop heating up canned bacon-and-bean soup, you might be tempted to invent a little jingle and sing it while you wait.

The jingle might go something like this:

Beanie weenie soup.

You eat it, then you… smile!

Please understand that if you do this, it is most definitely not funny. To you, maybe. But definitely not to a 14-year-old.

Also, see #1 again.

4. You don’t understand that the low-budget Micky Mouse cover of “Shinunoga E-Wa” someone posted on YouTube is better than the original.

Even Fuji Kaze singing live from Nippon Budokan in Tokyo cannot compare.

You may not agree with this opinion and may find the Mickey Mouse cover freakish and frightening, but that is only because you are very old and do not know anything about anything.

5. You are terrible at doing jigsaw puzzles.

Picture this.

You’ve been more or less “no help” up till now but have finally figured out the location of a difficult-to-place piece. Even then, you must never violate the invisible, imaginary, and ever-shifting boundaries of someone else’s “autonomous puzzle space.”

Based on the reaction this elicits, doing so is essentially an act of war, and you must proceed at your own peril.

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Needless to say, there are many more than five things wrong with you.

The good news is that the longer a teenager stays with you, the more time you have to uncover each and every one.

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Speaking of teenagers, have you read my book Socially Awkward?

No real reason my brain connected those two thoughts—no reason at all!

It’s a book about how to have hard conversations with the people you love—even when it’s awkward.

Especially when it’s awkward.

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