It’s that time of year again, friends. The time when we reflect back over the past twelve months with introspection.
Or hilarity.
Or both.
Incident #5: The Knothole
This summer, while vacuuming my wood floors (and perhaps disassociating), I spent way too long trying to vacuum up a stubborn piece of lint.
For a hot second, I thought my vacuum cleaner was broken.
Then I realized I’d been trying to vacuum up a knothole.
Just because no one else witnessed this doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.
Or that it wasn’t embarrassing.
Incident #4: The Head Bonk
During one of my work trips early in the year, I hit my head while boarding a plane.
The bonk was so loud that everyone in the vicinity looked over to see if I was okay.
“It’s fine,” I laughed, lifting a hand to pat down my head, double-checking. “It made a big noise, but it didn’t hurt.”
One of the flight attendants tilted her head to the side, eyeing me consideringly. “Well, you do have a lot of hair.”
To which the entire row of passengers sitting next to her made affirmative noises.
Incident #3: The Coffee Mix-Up
Once a week, I work at a coffee shop. I tend to order my drink and then settle in while it’s being prepared.
One morning, when the girl behind the counter called my name to signal that my coffee was ready, I looked up to see a man pick up my coffee and make a beeline for the door.
Oh, no he didn’t.
I chased him down, smiling my sparkliest smile, hoping he wasn’t too embarrassed that he’d almost walked away with someone else’s coffee.
But it turns out his name is Bruce and it is his coffee and I’m the one who heard wrong.
He frowns at me worriedly and walks out the door, and I never see him again, and somehow this is still not a romantic-comedy meet cute, and why is my life like this?
Incident #2: The Hoop Earrings
I’ve always wanted a pair of giant gold hoop earrings, but given the way I am as a person, I’ve never dared to wear them.
Until this year.
Finally, at the age of 45, I decided I was ready. I took the plunge and bought a set of absolutely massive hoops.
All went well until the first time I wore them.
About two hours into the venture, I was standing in a small circle of people, talking animatedly. While making a needlessly grand hand gesture, I accidentally hooked one of my own fingers through the hoop.
All things considered, the outcome wasn’t as poor as expected. The hoop popped off my ear as effortlessly as a pair of tear-away warmup pants, sailing through the air and landing on the floor, leaving neither blood nor injury.
Except to my pride.
Incident #1: The Spill
This summer, I spilled water at a book signing.
I should clarify.
I spilled water at one of my own book signings.
I should clarify further.
I spilled water at one of my own book signings all over the books before I’d had the chance to sign a single one.
Then I tried wiping the water off with my shirt. Yes, the shirt I was wearing at the time.
It went exactly how you’re imagining.
The book is called Socially Awkward, and yes, I do write directly from life experience.
Because when life gives you this kind of material, how could you not?
I’m thankful that in 2023, I was also reminded that I’m not the only embarrassing person on the planet.
There are more of us.
Take, for example, the man I watched slowly—but intractably—roll down the escalator at the Charlotte airport with all his luggage. He was not injured by seemed horribly embarrassed, so I politely looked away and pretended I hadn’t seen anything.
After all, the scriptures tell us to do unto others as we would have them do unto us.
In retrospect, however, I wonder if this was a missed connection.
Perhaps I should have helped him up.
Told him I understand.
Maybe asked for his number.
For more on how I’ve embarrassed myself in other calendar years, don’t miss:
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’d love you to come along and join me in 2024.
Hit the button below and join our little socially awkward society!