"Hey, Friend!"

It doesn't mean what you think it means.

Co-written: Ruth Buchanan and Kristina Hart

This happens more often than I’d like.

I’m sipping my coffee, minding my own business, when my phone buzzes. Sometimes it’s an email, sometimes a social media notification. Occasionally, it’s a text. But when I see the greeting, I brace myself. Close my eyes. Take a deep breath.

“Hey, friend…”

As soon as I see that opening, especially when it comes from a woman, I know two things for sure.

First, we’re probably not friends. Not current ones, anyway—not in the way I would define the term.

Second, she wants something.

The “Hey, Friend” Effect

In my experience, this little phrase is typically followed by a request, and rarely with the sincerity of a genuine friend.

How do I know this?

I once received a “Hey, friend” message and replied with an in-depth response to how I was actually doing, which happened to be not very well.

It was a mild trauma dump in a way one does with—you might say—a friend. But I quickly learned about the “Hey friend” effect. This person wasn’t actually interested in how I was doing. She wanted to see if I could introduce her to an industry professional I knew.

I obliged and then went about my not-very-well day (made better by the carbs I consumed for dinner).

There was also the “Hey, friend” moment when a former colleague from 14 years ago emailed me about a book they were launching, asking for my endorsement. I truly had forgotten this person even existed. That’s how “non-friend” we currently were.

I obliged again, but that’s when I began to enforce the vital notion of boundaries, especially when I’m on the receiving end of a “Hey, friend!”

It Doesn’t Mean What You Think It Means

Here’s what really bothers me about the “Hey, friend” greeting.

This is not at all how my actual friends greet me, especially not in messages and texts.

In most cases, I’m in constant contact with my current circle, meaning we’re engaged in those long, spiraling, loosely connected digital conversations that span years. We drop and pick up conversational threads from one day to the next. No need for openers and closings. We just tap in and say the next thing.

With acquaintances, colleagues, and loose online associates, however—people I don’t message regularly—there’s naturally the need to acknowledge that we’re beginning a new conversation rather than rolling along with an open-ended one that’s been going on for years.

When that happens, there’s definitely the need for an opening of some sort.

Which is where “Hey, friend” creeps in.

Which I sort of get. But I also don’t.

Because within my secure friendships, there’s no need to call the relationship out. When I need support from a friend, I don’t have to start with “Hey, friend!”

Why? We both know we’re friends. It goes without saying.

If I thought I’d broken my arm and needed someone to drive me to Urgent Care, I wouldn’t need to remind any of my actual friends that we’re friends for them to understand why I’m asking for help.

All I’d have to do is send a picture of my swollen arm followed by a series of question marks and then a separate text containing 50 crying emojis.

They’d get the picture. Literally and figuratively.

Why? Because we’re friends.

However, 99% of the time, when someone opens with “Hey, friend” it carries a very different vibe.

I don’t know what people intend when they do this. Maybe they have the best intentions in the world. Maybe they really do see us as friends—or maybe they would like us to be closer than we are, and this is their way of calling that out.

I’m not sure.

All I know is how it feels to be on the receiving end of this trend.

To me, this is what it feels like: “This person wants something, and she’s trying to make our current connection into more than it is so that whatever she’s about to ask seems reasonable.”

In fact, it often does the opposite.

But there’s a path forward.

Direct Communication Is Kindness

I guess what we’re saying is, can we all agree to shift our greetings and address people with the sincerity and honest reflection of what the relationship truly is?

If someone is looking for a connection or an endorsement, by all means reach out, but please do so without the “Hey, friend,” unless you genuinely want to hear my mild trauma dump.

It’s more authentic to keep it simple. Maybe just use our names, something like,

“Hey Nicole, I know we haven’t talked in years, but I’ve been following your work and have a favor to ask, if that’s okay.”

It’s worth noting, I love building new friendships as long as we’re on the same page regarding intention. Like with dating, there is still the need for the DTR, or “Defining the Relationship.”

If you’re not currently friends but wish you were—or, at least, wish you were on the pathway of becoming friends—it’s okay to say that, too. Life can be hard enough, and I love an unexpected adult friendship birthed from a mutual desire for just that. (Mild trauma dumps for all!)

Direct communication is kindness.

Clarity is also kindness.

Together, we can engage and support each other in authentic ways that could even lead to an authentic and natural friendship.